Watch this space

Everyone, please excuse the emptiness of this blog while I attempt to quit smoking.

I will be back when I have something pleasant to say.

:)
Wish me luck!

One Triangle Goose*

*A song that has been in my head for days. I hear it on the radio and can't make out what the chorus is. It sounds, to me, like "One triangle goose", and even though I know that's not what it is actually saying, that is what goes through my ears when it's on.
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Speed bumps in life are inevitable. We need them to expand as a person, to force us from our comfort zone and grow in new directions. Life would be flimsy and unsubstantial without them.

Some of life's speed bumps are a fantastic shove into new realities....marriage, the birth of your children, finding the most perfect job you could imagine for yourself. These are pleasant, soul-thrilling experiences.

Other speed bumps can be soul-searing. The unexpected death of a loved one, divorce, major illness. These are the ones that can run the whole spectrum of character-building. They can build you up strong or knock you flat. It's your choice as to which it will be.

I'm no different than anyone else, when it comes to my life's speed bumps. I've tried to excel at the good and tried to roll with the bad. The choices I made have dictated the direction of my life.

I was a young, irresponsible person once. We all were. I made choices at some turns in the road that had far-reaching consequences.
There is a line in "Out of Africa" that I think of frequently...
"I think the world was made round, so we could not see too far down the road."

My life has been charmed lately....a stable life, two great kids, great friends and a position at an organization that fulfills me and allows me to hold my head up high, proud that I am making a difference in the world.

But what happens when a voice from the past turns up, and instead of reminiscing about the fun and the good, shouts into my face all the real and imagined wrongs I am guilty of? Things that I haven't thought about in years, because the person I was is not the person I am now?
How do I deal with that?



What is the statute of limitation on bad choices? Do I deserve to be punished for a bad choice I made when I was a teenager or in my early twenties, when I have spent my life since then doing my best to be the best person I can be?
It has me in a tailspin, this voice from the past. Not from what the voice is saying, but the feelings it has awoken in me. Am I a better person? Have I evolved into what I wanted to be?
When does my responsibility end for situations that I would handle in a completely different way now, than I would have 10 or 20 years ago?

And just like that song* that will not stop running through my head with the wrong words, I cannot stop my thoughts from running in the wrong direction...backwards. Toward those irresponsible choices, the mess I was. It has proven to be impossible to see the real and true parts of myself while the song of the past serenades me from around the wrong turn in the road.

And until I can rouse myself from this abyss, I will stare at the map.
Not to find out where I need to go, but to figure out where I am.

It's enough to make ya puke.

The optimistic outlook around here is getting sort of sickening.
I've been acting a bit like Patty Simcox from Grease. You know the one who's all teeth and like, "Call me!".

There's so much to look forward to: Florida with my family. Cape May. Summer camp for the girls starting on Monday.

The only smudge in my clean and bright sky is my car. I took it in yesterday, and they had to order a part for the AC (the body control module, a thingy that runs the accessories) and they told me it would be Monday before I could get it back, because it's on an exchange program and they have to pull the old one and send it in. Dammit.
Then they call today and cheered me up for 10 seconds, with news that the part came in today. BUT. The AC still isn't really working. The compressor isn't kicking on. And they attempted to sell me a new one. I got all huffy and told the dude in no uncertain terms that I knew it wasn't the compressor that's the problem. So they are going to look for leaks, though I am dubious as to what that will prove. The thing is, the AC works sometimes. It's getting it to switch on that's the problem. So it's still gonna be Monday. Dammit, Janet. (If you get that reference, I will be so proud of you.)
And I seem to be on a self-improvement plan.

I started hitting the tanning bed (which is way nicer than I remember it...instead of laying there cooking like a hot dog in a microwave for 25 minutes, they can zap you in 12).

I finally got some God-awful frizzed hair whacked off my head today (I'm all curly-springy now!).

I made a conscious decision to not eat meat at least 3 days a week.

I finally visited a dentist and got my teeth cleaned (it's been 5 long, stain-filled years...I have had the three most nightmarish dentists on the planet, but this one is all about gentleness and DRUGS). Of course, we may need to take out a second on the house to pay for the two fillings and two crowns and IV sedation to take care of the rest.

I'm not even taking my anti-depressants anymore. About a month and a half ago, I forgot to take a few doses. Then, a few days later, I forgot again (I think it was a subconscious thing, since I had begun to resent them). I realized that I was halving my dose, so I halved it again, and eventually I wasn't taking any. After about 16 years of not really being me, the meds gave some of me back. But I got to the point where I was angry that I needed freakin' pills to be a normal person.
So this is me. UNLEADED.

I'm all chipper and effervescent and mildly annoying. But in a good way, I think.




















"What the Hell is up with you?"