Thursday, June 13, 2013

This Last Year

On Father's Day, 2011, Geoff and I came to the conclusion that we didn't want to be married anymore.

We cried, we talked.  We asked ourselves, "What happens now?"

To make a very long story short, it came down to this.... I would move out and the girls would live with Geoff. (More on that in a minute).   RAPTOR was building a caretaker cabin at our new facility and I was offered the position of caretaker.  Unfortunately, the position of education director was taken from me at the same time.
Great.  Now what?  I needed a job.
After pestering the owner of our local Wild Birds Unlimited, I was hired.
The cabin was completed in February of 2012.  Eight months after we decided to divorce.  I thought at the time those eight months be the most stressful time of my life.
I was wrong.

The euphoric cloud of freedom I was initially floating on quickly plummeted to earth and I found myself thinking, "What have I done??"

The divorce became final in December, 2012.  It was anti-climactic, after all the drama of getting there.

This has been nothing like I thought it would be.  Sure, I'm now a free-wheeling single woman.  But that doesn't even begin to cover what I am.  I'm not really free.  I'm more trapped now than I was when I was married.  Pressures and stress and outright fear.  I never feel....safe.

Would I do it again?   Absolutely.
Would I do things differently?  Probably.
Have I learned from my experience?  Yes.  And no.

They say what does not kill you, makes you stronger.  I'm not dead yet, but am I stronger?  In some ways, I am.  I can look back at This Last Year and say, "I survived that.  I can do this."   But I feel a hardness in me...a sharp edge I didn't have before.  I'm jaded and it's hard or me to trust.  I've dated, and there's one man who stands above the rest.  But how good can I be for someone if I feel the way I do?    I don't know what will come of it, and I guess for now, that's okay.  I hate the thought of ever getting married again or even living with someone, and my body is prematurely shutting down the baby-making equipment, so what's left for someone who loves me?  I don't know yet.

Moving away from my children..... Hardest thing I've ever done.  I'm only two exits away and I see them everyday.  But I feel that some of the connections I had with them are gone.  Forever.  All I can do is hang tight to the ones we still have and do my damnedest to forge new ones.

This Last Year.  I've been ground under the heels of things I can't control and I still stagger to my feet.  I keep saying to myself, "This is going to get better.  I'm going to improve my life and when I get smacked down, I'm going to get up again.  And again.  And again."

And again.
Alis volat propriis.  She flies with her own wings.








2 comments:

KGMom said...

While I am not infused with great wisdom, I will comment here (not on FB).
More than 30 years ago, my husband & I came to a parting--and for a year we separated. Our arrangement was different from yours (I stayed in the house) but some of the emotions you name I felt also. Saturday nights were agony for me--usually alone, trapped (so it felt) by having responsibility for my son, wondering how I would cope. Long story shortened-my husband & I began dating, and reconnected, reunited & then our daughter was born. It's not everybody's ending--and I certainly am not saying it should be yours.
What I am saying is--keep on keeping on. Look at the tiny glimmer of light that shows you only the next step you take. Take just one step at a time. Keep liking yourself. What you have accomplished so far takes BALLS! Yeah.
Even if you don't post in your blog for another year, I'll bet you next year--should you post Year 2--you will find that you are stronger, you are wiser, you are ... just that--you are!

LauraHinNJ said...

You know I told you so, Susan.

(hugs!)

This is hard. Much, much harder for you, I think, with your kids.

I wish we could lean on each other again, in the hard places.