Thursday, June 13, 2013

This Last Year

On Father's Day, 2011, Geoff and I came to the conclusion that we didn't want to be married anymore.

We cried, we talked.  We asked ourselves, "What happens now?"

To make a very long story short, it came down to this.... I would move out and the girls would live with Geoff. (More on that in a minute).   RAPTOR was building a caretaker cabin at our new facility and I was offered the position of caretaker.  Unfortunately, the position of education director was taken from me at the same time.
Great.  Now what?  I needed a job.
After pestering the owner of our local Wild Birds Unlimited, I was hired.
The cabin was completed in February of 2012.  Eight months after we decided to divorce.  I thought at the time those eight months be the most stressful time of my life.
I was wrong.

The euphoric cloud of freedom I was initially floating on quickly plummeted to earth and I found myself thinking, "What have I done??"

The divorce became final in December, 2012.  It was anti-climactic, after all the drama of getting there.

This has been nothing like I thought it would be.  Sure, I'm now a free-wheeling single woman.  But that doesn't even begin to cover what I am.  I'm not really free.  I'm more trapped now than I was when I was married.  Pressures and stress and outright fear.  I never feel....safe.

Would I do it again?   Absolutely.
Would I do things differently?  Probably.
Have I learned from my experience?  Yes.  And no.

They say what does not kill you, makes you stronger.  I'm not dead yet, but am I stronger?  In some ways, I am.  I can look back at This Last Year and say, "I survived that.  I can do this."   But I feel a hardness in me...a sharp edge I didn't have before.  I'm jaded and it's hard or me to trust.  I've dated, and there's one man who stands above the rest.  But how good can I be for someone if I feel the way I do?    I don't know what will come of it, and I guess for now, that's okay.  I hate the thought of ever getting married again or even living with someone, and my body is prematurely shutting down the baby-making equipment, so what's left for someone who loves me?  I don't know yet.

Moving away from my children..... Hardest thing I've ever done.  I'm only two exits away and I see them everyday.  But I feel that some of the connections I had with them are gone.  Forever.  All I can do is hang tight to the ones we still have and do my damnedest to forge new ones.

This Last Year.  I've been ground under the heels of things I can't control and I still stagger to my feet.  I keep saying to myself, "This is going to get better.  I'm going to improve my life and when I get smacked down, I'm going to get up again.  And again.  And again."

And again.
Alis volat propriis.  She flies with her own wings.








5 comments:

KGMom said...

While I am not infused with great wisdom, I will comment here (not on FB).
More than 30 years ago, my husband & I came to a parting--and for a year we separated. Our arrangement was different from yours (I stayed in the house) but some of the emotions you name I felt also. Saturday nights were agony for me--usually alone, trapped (so it felt) by having responsibility for my son, wondering how I would cope. Long story shortened-my husband & I began dating, and reconnected, reunited & then our daughter was born. It's not everybody's ending--and I certainly am not saying it should be yours.
What I am saying is--keep on keeping on. Look at the tiny glimmer of light that shows you only the next step you take. Take just one step at a time. Keep liking yourself. What you have accomplished so far takes BALLS! Yeah.
Even if you don't post in your blog for another year, I'll bet you next year--should you post Year 2--you will find that you are stronger, you are wiser, you are ... just that--you are!

LauraHinNJ said...

You know I told you so, Susan.

(hugs!)

This is hard. Much, much harder for you, I think, with your kids.

I wish we could lean on each other again, in the hard places.

Sean Miser said...

I bumped into you looking for bees and or beekeeping in Lake Isabella. I wish you well. For me it has been harder to find work as an 56 yr old but I do love my two beehives. I still work as a pipefitter and love being a "journeymom" too.

Vaya con Dios
Sean (Rachel)

Anonymous said...

I used to be a regular reader and I still come back here every now and then, hoping for news ...

I hope that all is well and you're just way too busy to write.

I thought of you when the tits cleaned out the nesting box we have hanging in our birch and the unshapely thing they pulled out turned out to be consisting mostly of -- my hair. (I know it's a weird thing to say that this reminded me of you but I immediately thought of your post with the cardboard roll and the dog hair.)

Another Susan

Erica in Ohio said...

This entry made me cry. I understand how lost you felt. I just lost my job. What next?

I am fairly new to the bird world but nature has always brought me comfort. I wish you the best.