We cried, we talked. We asked ourselves, "What happens now?"
To make a very long story short, it came down to this.... I would move out and the girls would live with Geoff. (More on that in a minute). RAPTOR was building a caretaker cabin at our new facility and I was offered the position of caretaker. Unfortunately, the position of education director was taken from me at the same time.
Great. Now what? I needed a job.
After pestering the owner of our local Wild Birds Unlimited, I was hired.
The cabin was completed in February of 2012. Eight months after we decided to divorce. I thought at the time those eight months be the most stressful time of my life.
I was wrong.
The euphoric cloud of freedom I was initially floating on quickly plummeted to earth and I found myself thinking, "What have I done??"
The divorce became final in December, 2012. It was anti-climactic, after all the drama of getting there.
This has been nothing like I thought it would be. Sure, I'm now a free-wheeling single woman. But that doesn't even begin to cover what I am. I'm not really free. I'm more trapped now than I was when I was married. Pressures and stress and outright fear. I never feel....safe.
Would I do it again? Absolutely.
Would I do things differently? Probably.
Have I learned from my experience? Yes. And no.
They say what does not kill you, makes you stronger. I'm not dead yet, but am I stronger? In some ways, I am. I can look back at This Last Year and say, "I survived that. I can do this." But I feel a hardness in me...a sharp edge I didn't have before. I'm jaded and it's hard or me to trust. I've dated, and there's one man who stands above the rest. But how good can I be for someone if I feel the way I do? I don't know what will come of it, and I guess for now, that's okay. I hate the thought of ever getting married again or even living with someone, and my body is prematurely shutting down the baby-making equipment, so what's left for someone who loves me? I don't know yet.
Moving away from my children..... Hardest thing I've ever done. I'm only two exits away and I see them everyday. But I feel that some of the connections I had with them are gone. Forever. All I can do is hang tight to the ones we still have and do my damnedest to forge new ones.
This Last Year. I've been ground under the heels of things I can't control and I still stagger to my feet. I keep saying to myself, "This is going to get better. I'm going to improve my life and when I get smacked down, I'm going to get up again. And again. And again."
And again.
Alis volat propriis. She flies with her own wings.
