Friday, February 05, 2016

A tiny voice

I haven't posted anything here for nearly three years.

This blog used to be my daily journal, my far-reaching arms to hold close to my friends.  Facebook happened and stole my attention and my time.

A lot has happened.  Here's the list:

1.  I got a job and separated from my husband in the beginning of 2012.  I moved into the new RAPTOR facility.

2.  I got a divorce at the end of 2012.

3.  In between those events, I met someone.  His name is Mark.

4.  I struggled.  I tried.  I failed.  I tried again.  I always got up after being knocked down.

5.  I hated many aspects of my job.  I just kept at it.

6.  In 2014, I moved to Indiana, presumably to give myself a break.  That move just made everything more difficult.

7.  I struggled.  I tried.

8.  I started applying for jobs in Louisville.  Because that's where Mark is.

9.  In October 2015, I was offered a job with the Louisville Fire Department.

10.  I moved to Kentucky.

11.  I fell in love with my job.

12.  In December of 2015, we bought a house.

And here we are, 2016.

I lost something of myself in these years.  It's a part I could have used to great effect during the hard times.  That part that people love me for, that part that burns hot when I need protection from the storm that is life.

But as I look back and see that I never quit, even when it seemed that I was screwing up every day or making the wrong turns at every turn, I see something.  Maybe that part of me that I thought I lost isn't really lost.

Maybe the fire sometimes chooses to be a small voice saying,

"It's okay.  Stand up, dammit. You've got this."

Maybe that tiny voice is what got me through it.